Nov
5
The next episode of Dr. Phil: John Farnswell & the brown t-shirt effect!
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 5, 2009 - 8:42pm
To: The producers of the Dr. Phil show
Subject: I would make an ideal guest on Dr. Phil
"John Farnswell, YOU are a douche bag"I think I would make for a great guest on the Dr. Phil show. In particular, I think I would be ideal for the episode you will soon be filming entitled “Embarrassed and Feel Like You're the Only One?”
Ever since college, perhaps my single greatest talent has been growing body hair. I’ll admit those first few strands that popped up around my nipples and chest were a source of pride. They were a sign that I was finally becoming a man.
But soon my excitement turned to horror as my chest hair slowly spread, annexing more and more regions of my body. Read more
Sep
28
Bring back the Bernie Kosar perm
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 28, 2009 - 9:46am
To: Bernie Kosar
Subject: Fan in need of your assistance
Life was better when Bernie Kosar had permed hairI write you today on bended knee, begging for your help. It’s been a tough last few weeks for me – Wikipedia deleted my self-promotional Wikipedia page, I nearly bled to death after shaving with a Gillette Sensor razor and my genitals have looked funny since I started taking Zenerx … It’s depressing.
I’m stressed out too. I watch the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, and I just want to scream, throw my television through a window, and suffocate myself in a giant pool of peanut butter. Read more
Sep
1
A Dustin Diamond statue for San Jose city hall
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 1, 2009 - 12:00pm
To: San Jose Councilman Sam Liccardo
Subject: Artist would like to donate sculpture to San Jose
I am a local artist who would like to donate a sculpture I am working on to commemorate San Jose’s favorite son: Dustin Diamond (Screech Powers from the hit 80’s television program “Saved by the Bell”).
Proposed Screech sculpture near city hallWhen completed, the sculpture will be an extremely lifelike, 25-foot, paper mache bust of the San Jose-native that I think would fit perfectly next to the beautiful new city hall.
I have attached a Photoshop mock up of how the statue will look outside of city hall. Read more
Aug
31
Plastic surgery so I can look like Tom Cruise laughing
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 31, 2009 - 11:30am
To: Dr. Daniel Medalie
Subject: Inquery about a plastic surgery procedure
The Tom Cruise face I want for HalloweenI have a procedure I would like performed in the next several weeks, and I was hoping to get a quote and a little bit of information from you.
I want to have extensive plastic surgery to make my face look like Tom Cruise laughing. This procedure is very time sensitive – as I would like to unveil my hilarious new Tom Cruise laughing face at my company Halloween party on October 27, 2009. Without a doubt, I’d take home the “best costume” prize once and for all. Read more
Aug
28
Carl Monday needs a mustache perm
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 28, 2009 - 9:21am
To: Carl Monday
Subject: Avid watcher needs your help
Mock up of Carl Monday's permed mustacheI would first like to thank you for the investigative reporting you have done in the Cleveland area over the last 15 or more years.
I am writing you today to ask for a big favor. I have applied and been turned down three times in my quest to be accepted to the prestigious ABI School of Barbery and Cosmetology in New York. Each time they reject me, they say I don’t show a “vision for the future of barbery.” Read more
Aug
27
New state flag for Ohio? Oh hell yeah!
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 27, 2009 - 9:37pm
To: State Representative Lorraine Fende
Subject: Proposal to help Ohio's budget problems
New state flag proposed for OhioI write you today with an idea that I think will help Ohio severely reduce its budget woes for years to come. You see, I have worked for about 47.5 hours on a redesign of the Ohio state flag. I am sure you will find it visually appealing, yet simple and heartfelt (see the attached jpeg image).
This redesign will be such a wonderful source of income. Think about: every school, municipal building and prison in Ohio will need to purchase a new flag to hoist up on a flag pole. If the state manufactures them, the state can reap the profits. Read more
