Oct
28
Inflatable lawn decoration hunting season
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 28, 2009 - 1:33pm
To: Ohio Department of Natural Resources (Division of Wildlife)
Subject: Inflatable lawn decoration hunting season
My next hunting excursion will target these pestsPerhaps you can settle a dispute I am having with my Aunt Judy. She claims that I am breaking hunting laws, and I think she's misinformed.
You see, every year around this time, I hunt around my suburban Cleveland neighborhood. Don't worry: I don't shoot raccoons, squirrels or deer or anything like that. Instead, I stalk around town picking off inflatable lawn decorations that are propped up in my neighbors' front lawns. Read more
Oct
19
I want to cruise town in my new cupcake car
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 19, 2009 - 10:07am
To: David Albrecht of ODOT
Subject: My new cupcake car
ODOT won't let me drive my new cupcake carIn an effort to reduce carbon emissions, save on gasoline costs and look totally kick ass, I recently purchased a Customized Cupcake Car sold by Neiman Marcus.
This massive drivable cupcake is probably the coolest thing I've ever bought. Unfortunately, state laws prohibit me from driving the damned thing on the streets! This is incredibly frustrating; especially since I forked out $25,000 for this thing. Read more
Oct
12
I need to burn my body hair pile
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 12, 2009 - 10:03am
To: Eastlake City Council
Subject: Would like to add an issue to the ballot
This could be my massive body hair pile on fire, but noooooooI am a resident who would like to get an issue added to the ballot for the upcoming election. I've been told that by law I am forbidden to burn any trash in my backyard, and that a violation of this law may result in a fine or worse - jail time.
This is understandable, as you guys probably would like to avoid fires accidentally spreading and the nauseating smell of burning plastics, diapers and other disgusting garbage. However, I have a particular need to have this law if not revoked, at least amended. Read more
Sep
15
I am seceding from Mentor, Ohio
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 15, 2009 - 9:47am
To:Mentor City Council:
Subject: Need information about zoning
My village sign will be much cooler than this oneI am looking for answers. I’m just so upset.
The other day, I’m walking in the Great Lakes Mall, and I see councilman Marn walking past me. So I kind of raise my right eye brow and nod at him to say “Hello there, councilman.” And he just looks and pleasantly smiles.
No “Hi?” No stop and chat? Just a smile? My own councilman! Read more
Sep
4
Make my front lawn a state nature preserve
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 4, 2009 - 11:05am
To: Ohio Department of Natural Resources
Subject: Land to turn into state nature preserve
This stupid lawn could be the next state nature preserveI own a house in suburban Willoughby, Ohio, and I would like to turn my front lawn into a state nature preserve.
My 1/10 acre yard would make for a terrific home for squirrels, bumblebees and the occasional skunk. Hell, it already gets those little creatures right now. Just think if I was legally allowed not to mow my lawn...we're talking possible snake sightings here. Read more
