Oprah - so, so cruel

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To: O Magazine
Subject: How could Oprah be so cruel

Yeah, that's Oprah Winfrey openly laughing at me againOprah is heartless. Yeah, I said it -OPRAH IS HEARTLESS.

Sure, she builds school for impoverished children, donates countless millions to charities and gives talentless imbeciles like Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray television shows. But, for some reason, she chooses to humiliate a lowly commoner like me every single month.

Oh don’t deny it! I know when someone is laughing at me and making fun of me: I HAVE been through middle school, you know.

So, every time I pass an O Magazine in the super market and see Oprah’s insanely radiant, laughing face on the cover, I know damn well that she’s laughing at ME.

But why? Why is she taking time each month to take creepy photos of herself laughing and smiling mockingly at me and then placing them on the cover of her magazine? I have no idea.

Now, I fully recognize that my receding hairline, pear-shaped face and ever expanding chest hair patch is not exactly endearing. But, for her to laugh at me, well that’s just extremely hurtful.

I could understand if it were perennial ass hat Charlie Rose or even that one screaming televangelist from the early 90s Jonathon Bell. They're used to being laughed at, and they‘ve got thick skin.

But me - I’m just your average guy, and I‘m easily hurt. I’ve often found myself thinking about Oprah’s humiliating covers and have broken down, sobbing uncontrollably - this only adds to my embarrassment because my emotional break downs often take place in fast food drive thru lines, during business meetings and at wedding receptions.

Can you please do something about this? I'm not sure how much more I can take. Maybe on the next cover have Oprah frown or look expressionlessly into the camera. I will consider this her form of apology.

Shamed, embarrassed and humiliated by Oprah,
John Farnswell

P.S. I happen to be a fairly decent writer and was hoping your magazine would purchase a 750-word article I have written entitled “How to incorporate beef jerky, peanut butter and asparagus into your foreplay.” Interested?