The Goatee Saver gives me a great goatee...and horrific vomiting fits

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To: Goatee Saver customer service
Subject: Slight problem with your product

If not for the vomiting, urinating and defecating, I'd love the Goatee SaverI recently purchased your revolutionary Goatee Saver, and I can’t seem to keep the cutting template in my mouth.

Ever since I tried to swallow an entire Tangy Taffy bar when I was seven years old, I have a violent gag reflex that is initiated whenever large objects are in my mouth for more than two seconds.

Unfortunately, the Goatee Saver mouthpiece initiates this gag reflex and, despite my efforts to endure the disgusting feeling, causes me to vomit profusely, sending the Goatee Saver rocketing into my bathroom mirror and onto the floor.

This would be a small price to pay for a perfectly cropped goatee, if not for other bodily functions that result from the vomiting. You see, I also have this weird syndrome where I instinctively urinate whenever I vomit. I can’t explain it; my bladder just releases its contents. So, weird.

But, it gets worse: Any time I urinate in response to my vomiting, it initiates frenzied bowel movements that leave my underpants soiled and smelly.

Needless to say, I am a total mess any time I try to shave with your product.

This leaves me with a dilemma: Do I continue using the product and maintain the best goatee I’ve ever had? Or is the spastic, uncontrollable vomiting, urinating and defecating just not worth the effort?

Would you happen to have any recommendations? Perhaps I can remove the mouthpiece and super glue the Goatee Saver directly to my face? Your expert advice is desperately needed.

With a goatee in need of saving,
John Farnswell

P.S. Would you happen to have a Pubic Mound Saver? I can use some primping down there as well.

P.P.S. I am a big fan of your informative commercial. I play it on my iPod and show people at family reunions, weddings and funerals. Keep up the good work.