Cleveland Metroparks Zoo - rated NC-17

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To: Cleveland Metroparks Zoo facilities department
Subject: Deeply concerned about the behavior in the African Savanna exhibit

The only kid-friendly photo I could take of the giraffesFirst, let me congratulate the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo on having wonderful animals and exhibits that are very exciting to see.

However, my last visit to your zoo presented some challenges for me as a parent. My daughter and I were really excited to see the giraffes, zebras and ostriches running around in the African Savanna exhibit. In fact, it is the entire reason we went to the zoo.

But when we got to the exhibit, I was shocked at what I saw: one massive giraffe mounting another...and they weren't wrestling.

Of course, then I am confronted with the awkward "Daddy, what are they doing?" question from my daughter. And I couldn't even be like "Um...Uh..Look at those funny ostriches," because the ostriches were furiously humping near the bushes.

I'm not sure what kind of mojo you're putting in the water there, because the sex was going on for about an hour.

Some warning might have prevented me and dozens of other parents there the horror of having to explain the sexual habits of giraffes to our giggling children. Have you considered rating the exhibits like the motion picture industry rates movies? I think it's a good idea. I personally would have rated the African Savanna an NC-17.

Also, I understand that the African Savanna is supposed to closely represent the African wild, but maybe you should construct a large room or shed where the animals can be trained to enter when they are "in heat." That way, they can fulfill their sexual urges behind closed doors (instead of in the middle of a wide open field)?

Please consider these options. I would love to come back and enjoy your zoo, but I want to be confident that my concerns are being taken seriously.

Naturally grossed out,
John Farnswell

To: Cleveland Metroparks Zoo facilities department
Subject: Follow up on my previous email

So have you had a chance to review my rating system and sex shack suggestion with the board?

My daughter and I would really like to watch the gorillas pick their noses, but I fear I will have a recurrence of my last nightmarish visit to the zoo.

Feverishly awaiting your reply,
John Farnswell